


If Only in my Dreams

by supergeekytoon



Series: In Our Bedroom, After the War [3]
Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies)
Genre: Basically if he had a relationship then its here, But its the Shitty Kind, Christmas Eve, Christmas fic, Fluff and Angst, Hot Chocolate, M/M, Mentions of Past Ethan/Jack, Mentions of Past Julia/Ethan, Mentions of Past Nyah/Ethan, Overthinking, Sad Spy Man Ethan Hunt, Sad and Happy, Short One Shot, Takes Place after sometime after Semantics, The Only Way i can write this Man, part of a series but can be read as stand alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21948586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supergeekytoon/pseuds/supergeekytoon
Summary: It's funny how a simple song on the radio can bring back so many funny feelings.Ethan's away, stuck in a safehouse on Christmas Eve, away from everyone he loves. But it's alright, he's used to it by now.
Relationships: Benji Dunn/Ethan Hunt
Series: In Our Bedroom, After the War [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1365076
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	If Only in my Dreams

**Author's Note:**

  * For [F4nd0mG33k17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/F4nd0mG33k17/gifts).



> I hope y'all enjoy this. I fell down the stairs and I've been powering through a headache to get this done in time for Christmas.  
> This is a part of the Benthan Retirement AU, and it takes place sometime after Semantics, but it can totally be read stand-alone.  
> Follow Me on Tumblr if you'd like: @supergeekytoon  
> Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas Everyone!

The winter air brought a chill to the safehouse. It was not set up for occupation year-round and so Ethan had to use a few space heaters to make it habitable. He made his way to what could be charitably described as a kitchen and made himself some hot chocolate. It wasn’t anything special, just that powdery stuff in the packet and some hot water, but it would do for now. The windows let him see the storm quickly picking up, the snow carried by the heavy wind with no end in sight.

He turned on the small radio, not wanting to sit in total silence. He didn’t need his overthinking tendencies to take over tonight while he was alone. He sighed shuffling towards to the other side of the sparsely lit safe house, where the bed was. He grabbed the blanket and sat, staring intently at the window. On certain nights he’d find it beautiful, but not tonight. Not when he was dying to get home on Christmas eve to his friends, to Benji.

He sipped his cocoa in quiet contemplation, hoping to listen to some nice music at least. He always was a sucker for the music this time of year. He was one of those people who celebrated Christmas starting in November. It’s when his family was able to celebrate together In fact, Christmas always brought a warm feeling to him, the lights, the decorations, the gifts. But most importantly the people who he considered to be family, the people who gave him hope and a reason to keep going.

The radio crackled, barely louder than the howling wind, as Ethan heard the familiar piano notes:

_~I’ll be home for Christmas, you can count on me~_

“Another year listening to this song I suppose will have to do.” He spoke aloud to himself.

That song's particular history was not unknown to him. It came out during the height of the second world war, resonating with all people fighting in a strange place and in a strange time. Missing home and the people they loved all in service for their country. It still was relevant, or else this song would have long since fallen out of favor. 

Well at least, it was far too relevant to him. Another year, another mission away from home. Another year away from the ones he loves.

His cocoa was growing cold, as he thought about how often he actually managed to spend Christmas at home. Jack and Him only managed a Christmas together before their work became their lives and right before his father passed.

He remembered it clearly, his father getting sicker and sicker. Everyone knew it would be his last Christmas. Ethan wasn’t ready for him to be gone. He brought Jack home at that time so that they could get to know each other. It wasn’t as though Jack and his parents never met. But it was different this time. They were together now, not just roommates, or best friends.

Maybe He’d tell his dad the truths this year, Ethan thought. 

He grimaced, glaring out the window.

He couldn’t, he remembered telling Jack that night. He was too afraid, and so he didn’t. Jack didn’t protest, understanding all to well the fear that Ethan had felt. However, he recalled that Jack made no reassurances about “next year”, knowing why they were all together in the first place. And So they were all together, a nice last Christmas before it all changed for him.

Jack’s failure to mention a nest time rang more accurate than he liked. He never was able to tell his mother, given that Jack wouldn’t live to see another Christmas.

After that, Ethan recalled, it was a bit of a blur. He elected to volunteer to stay behind for missions that took place during the holidays. His teammates all had families to go home to and he always visited his mother before Christmas to excuse his absence later, it was easier this way. He didn’t want to go back to the place that held too many melancholic memories for him to cope.

~ _Please have snow, and Mistletoe and presents on the Tree~_

“Ah, so that’s where the avoidance started, good to know” He took a sip from his cocoa, bitter at his younger self for being so dense. Maybe dense was too harsh a word. Still, he was less than pleased by his past behavior. He looked at the past often with a tint with regret, as though he’d be able to change it. 

“Regret is unprofessional.” He heard that once when he went to help MI6 on a mission, their director resolute, though it was clear that she also had much to think about in regard to her past work.

Maybe regret was unprofessional, but it was certainly human.

He did the same with Nyah, despite the fact he loved her. They had fought about it. He was just too busy to stay for the holidays, trying to keep the world safe. At least that’s how he had explained it to her. She got upset by that.

“You’re not doing anything someone else couldn’t do Ethan!”

He knew that fight was about so much more, not just Christmas. She had wanted a life with him, but he couldn’t let her in completely. Some part of him was too scared. They left each other on amicable terms. There was a part of him still that thought he could have made a greater effort to overcome his fear.

~ _Christmas Eve will find me, Where the Love Light Gleams…~_

With Julia things were much different. He felt safe with her and he made the effort to stay behind. He thought he had an out of this lifestyle. once they were married, they spent every moment together. It was domestic bliss and not something Ethan thought he wouldn’t be able to attain. It was nice, to spend time with her family. And then they go and spend time with his old team if they were available. It wouldn’t last long, however.

Ethan knew he was needed and despite how much he loved his wife, he couldn’t put his wants above the safety of the world, especially when he knew he could do something about it. Julia cried that morning, as they exchanged gifts, as though she were aware that it would be their last Christmas together.

After that, he always elected to spend Christmas away from home. He couldn’t afford to indulge in those wants. Until now, when Benji was waiting for him back in Virginia. He hated having to leave, but maybe, just maybe, Ethan thought, if he were lucky enough with his timing, he’d be able to miss the snow and get back home in time for Christmas.

~ _I’ll Be Home for Christmas, If Only in My Dreams~_

No such luck this year. He finished his cocoa, just as he heard a knock at the door. Grabbing his gun, as he wasn’t expecting anyone, he moved swiftly to the door. Opening it to reveal, Benji, Luther, Brandt, Ilsa and Jane.

“Benji, what? What are you doing here?” he smiled as everyone walked in, cold from the storm and covered in snowflakes. They brought in boxes full of food and drinks, and games, all the trappings of a cozy evening in.

“You’d be dense to think I was going to let you be alone again this year Ethan.” He planted a chaste kiss on his lips, “

As long as we’re together, I want you to know you don’t have to be on your own.”

“How’d you manage to get everyone here? I mean…” Ethan was lost for words.

“Did you really think we wouldn’t drop everything to be with you,” Bellowed Luther from across the room. “We’re family.” Ethan smiled, family, of course.

Ilsa and Jane gathered them all together as Brandt put away the drinks for the time being, “Right everyone, It’s Christmas eve, let’s start with some games!” Ilsa said in an excited tone of voice, “That means you too Brandt” Jane interjected.

“Yeah, I’m coming just give me a second. We have so much booze; you’d swear a civil war doctor was coming to saw our legs off.” He responded in a huffy voice.

All Ethan could do was stare in awe. “Did you do this? For Me?”

“Well, it was a collective Idea. But I would’ve come alone if I needed to. Because it’s Christmas and you shouldn’t have to spend it alone.” He paused, Benji’s eyes staring intently on his.

“I love you, you do know, that right?” Benji said, slightly stern but still in his soft gentle manner.

“I love you too.” Ethan said, “I’m glad you’re all here, but especially you. I was starting to miss you. “ he said in a quietly, as though it were a secret

“Merry Christmas, Ethan.”

“And To Many More Together.”

And with that they spend the night together as a family, for the first time in years Ethan wasn’t alone. He was home for Christmas. 


End file.
